“Seven branches fall from the tree, pruned by the blade in her hand. Countless faces, silhouette’s distinct but features decayed, stare at her from the stumps. A pair of gloved hands reaches out towards her but she pushes them away. A wide man with a stern but warm face smiles at her, only for the smile to turn to pain as he dissolves into nothingness. He grasps desperately for her, but she can only stare at him. Another life she failed to save.”
The loud blare of the alarm pulled Ritsuka from her restless sleep. Finally, some reprieve. Rubbing her bleary eyes she pulls herself out of bed, heading over to the bathroom to splash some water on her face. It’s a new day, and the world is safe. That’s all I can ask for. She bounced the words around her mind a few times to help them sink in, then made herself some breakfast. Avocado toast was a bit of a luxury, but she wasn’t above splurging every now and again. It’s important to treat yourself. The words of a friend echoed in her mind, but she shook off the feelings they evoked. She quickly got dressed and left her apartment. Staying busy helped.
“Fujimaru you made it!” the kindly old man smiled at her.
“Wouldn’t miss it for the world Jii-san,” she said in return, giving him a quick hug before grabbing a large plastic bag from his hands. “Not like this beach is going to clean itself.” She quickly got started with the other volunteers. It was easy work, a little repetitive, but she liked it. I like it out here, it would be boring if we stayed inside all the time, echoed another familiar voice.
“Nothing beats the-“ Ritsuka started to reply, but quickly cut herself off.
“Did you say something Fujimaru?” a man in khakis she’d seen helping out often asked her.
“No, I was just…mumbling to myself sorry.” She waved an apologetic hand at him and returned to her duty.
They were finished a lot quicker than usual thanks to a big turnout. It made her happy to see so many people coming together. Jii-san made a small speech about how proud he was of the community and then let everyone dig into the lunch they’d provided. Local fish and chips were always a treat. Well, I do like fish, but salmon has always been a sore spot for me. She pushed her friend from her mind and tried to enjoy her lunch.
“Fujimaru, you know I have to say-“
“Please don’t Jii-san, you know it’s my pleasure,” Ritsuka said cutting him off before he could heap undue praise.
“That may be the case, but before you came along, we never would have dreamed of gathering this many people.”
“It’s the power of food Jii-san, everyone cares, but eating takes precedent over caring. It’s all about leveraging what people want and what people need.”
“Even so, without your donations I can’t help but think feeding this many people would be a pipedream. Making promises you can’t fulfill is heartbreaking so I’m happy you’re around to help make this a reality.” His warm words felt cold against her skin.
“If you say so Jii-san I can’t argue.” The small smile she forced onto her face felt suffocating.
“I’m lying to everyone and it’s not fair on them, they don’t know what I did.”
“What the Alien God did,” the lady sitting across from her corrected.
“What the Alien God did,” Rituska begrudgingly reaffirmed. “But that doesn’t change the fact that I’m lying.”
“And what exactly are you lying about Ristuka?” Megan knew, but she still made her say it. Something about disambiguation and acceptance.
“I’m lying about who I am and what I’ve done. I’m lying about where I and my money come from. I’m lying about being a good person. I’m lying by not living up to Dr. Roman’s ideals.”
“And if I were to accept the way you view things as the truth, then what?”
“I’m not sure I understand?”
“In a hypothetical world where I tell you that you’re right and that all the ways that you feel about yourself are true, what then? How does that affect you?” It took a long moment for Ritsuka to process the question.
“I suppose I would be…relieved?”
“You would be relieved?”
“Yeah, it would be a weight off of my shoulders.”
“I don’t presume to know about this Dr. Roman person but its sounds like they made quite an impact on you, and you say that not living up to their ideals would be…relieving?”
“That doesn’t really make any sense, does it?”
“Makes sense to me. The more I hear about this Dr. Roman the more respect I have for them. It seems like they made the ultimate sacrifice for you and-.”
“For everyone. Twice.”
“My point being that they’ve done something impossible, and in doing so they’ve become nothing but an ideal. The only thing left of them lies within you and you’ve got quite the reverence for them.”
“It’s not reverence, it’s just…Dr Roman deserved so much more. He was always kind to me and Mash...to everyone really. He saved the world. It’s not fair that no-one will remember his name. As much as the Mage’s Association has done for me since we stopped the Alien God, I can’t help but hate them for keeping his name locked away.”
“I’m going to challenge you on that, because they way you’re talking does sound like reverence to me.” Megan scribbled down something on her pad. She hated when she did that. “Unfortunately, we are out of time this week Ritsuka, but trust me when I say that we are making real progress. I know the dreams are bad, but you aren’t alone in this.”
“And the voices?”
“As a medical professional I’m trained to speak about those as if they exist purely in your mind.”
“And as a mage?”
“Heroic spirits aren’t my area of expertise so I can’t say. All I know is that the more your heart yearns for them the stronger their hold over you will be.”
“…if they’re even there,” Ritsuka said.
“If they’re even there,” Megan affirmed. “Both I and the Mage’s Association understand that you’ve been through a lot. It’s important to move through all this one step at a time.” Megan closed her notebook. “Same time next week?”
“Works for me.”